Happy 3rd Birthday Chloe! / Courtney Fontana (Mommy)
I woke up this morning and was taken back to that hospital room three years ago where I sat ALL DAY LONG waiting for you to make your grand arrival.
As we always do on your birthday we sent you some balloons today. Taylor's message was less elaborate than it was last year, but she drew a great picture this year. She said she was wondering if you were running out of room with all of the balloons she's sent you. Blake didn't really understand why we let those fun balloons go but he certainly enjoyed partaking in birthday cupcakes.
Taylor doesn't really understand the concept of death and heaven. She's been much more inquisitive the past year asking when God is going ready to take her, asking when she's going to see you again. I keep telling her that she's going to be an old old lady when God is ready for her but she says she misses you so much and wants to be with you. The other day she got upset and said that she would miss her toys when she goes to heaven. I told her that heaven has the best toys so she won't miss the ones she has. She said nobody could play with toys in heaven because it's dark there. I asked what she meant and she said that when Grandma went down in the ground it was dark, and if you and Grandma are together it must be dark. The concept of heaven and being in the ground is I think too much for a 4 year old to understand.
I keep waiting for the day that I can think about you in a quiet time and not let it overwhelm me. I can talk about you to other people like it's nothing, but when I really sit and think...when I think about how our lives completely changed after you were taken away, how different things are now than they were then...and even though I love Blake to pieces, how much Taylor would have loved having a little sister to play with...it never ceases to make me get choked up. I imagine that will go away one day when I really get used to the fact that you're gone and you're never coming back.
I'm sure that Grandma is making sure your birthday is celebrated in style. Take care of each other until we get there.
Happy Birthday Chloe! / Courtney Fontana (Mommy) Two years ago today, I was in a hospital room, being induced, after a long, hard pregnancy. I remember that I was SO looking forward to being able to SLEEP without a creature kicking me. (To be fair, I look forward to that with every pregnancy!) I had a gestational diabetes diagnosis, so that meant I got my finger stuck once an hour, and got to be on an insulin drip. The man who did my epidural told me that he was a nurse anesthetist, and asked if it was okay that he wasn't an anesthesiologist. I really didn't care as long as I couldn't feel any more crazy contractions! He let Taylor "sign" my consent form.
Taylor was about 19 1/2 months old, and didn't really understand what was going on. She watched Blue's Clues the whole time. Whenever any hospital personnel came into my room, they'd pick her up and she'd play with their ID cards. We laughed a lot.
When it came time for your grand arrival, either you were in a hurry, or the drugs were pumped up high, because I didn't even have to push. The midwife even asked me if I was pushing, and I wasn't. Pretty cool.
You were gorgeous. Perfect in every way. You slept with me in the hospital bed, even though that was SO against the rules, and the nurses said that you were "spoiled already." I wouldn't have had it any other way.
You would have been two years old today. I'm sure Taylor would have adored having a little sister to run around and play with, and do 'girly' things with. I bet you guys would've had fun at Disney together, meeting the princesses. I sometimes wonder what life would have been like if you two had been able to grow up together.
I told her the other day that your birthday was coming up, and she said that we had to get you a cake, and a table for the cake, and party hats. :) Every time she gets a balloon in her hand, she asks me if she can send it to you. She and I believe that Grandma pushes you in a spaceship cart at the Publix in heaven, because we all know that if there is a grocery store in heaven, it's Publix.
I hope you guys are having a great time together, and know that I miss you so so much. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. It hurts a little less every day, but it's still a BIG hurt.
I love you, my little Chloe Monster. I always will. Happy Birthday.
Happy (late) angel day, my Chloe Monster / Courtney Fontana (Mommy)Read >>
Happy (late) angel day, my Chloe Monster / Courtney Fontana (Mommy)
Well, I would have posted a note to you on the actual day, but the website wasn't up and running then.
Thank you for your little sign to us on your angel day. It definitely made me smile; I'm sure you know that.
I wish you were here, my little Chloe Monster. I'm sure you and Grandma are having a blast, and I wish I could be there with you guys. I get all of her signs too. (I feel like I 'talk' to her just as much now as I did when she was alive.) I hope she's taught you how to play mah-jong, so you are ready when her friends start showing up.
There's a party in Heaven tonight... / Courtney Fontana (Mommy)Read >>
There's a party in Heaven tonight... / Courtney Fontana (Mommy)
Chloe, you finally got to meet your great-grandmother today. I hope you welcomed her to Heaven with open arms. The only thing giving me comfort right now is that you two are together.
Your great-grandmother was an amazing woman. Independent, beautiful (both inside and out), graceful, smart, funny, loving...anything and everything that anyone could have asked for from a grandmother (or a great-grandmother). Taylor and Blake were lucky enough to be able to spend some time with her down on Earth, and you have been blessed with a truly incredible person up in Heaven.
So party it up, girls. I love you both so, so much. Close
One year ago today... / Courtney Fontana (Mommy)Read >>
One year ago today... / Courtney Fontana (Mommy)
One year ago today, I held you in my arms for the very last time. It feels like just yesterday, and yet it feels like forever. I will never forgive myself for not being there when you needed me the most.
Whenever Blake is smiling in his sleep, Taylor says it's because he's dreaming about you. I tend to agree.
I miss you too much to put into words, Chloe. You will always live on in my heart.
Happy Birthday, my Chloe Monster / Courtney Fontana (Mommy)Read >>
Happy Birthday, my Chloe Monster / Courtney Fontana (Mommy)
Happy First Birthday, my beautiful Chloe!
I know you must've liked the balloons, because yet again, when we let them go nowhere near a tree and with no wind, they somehow managed to go THROUGH a tree without popping. Thanks for saying "hi" to us!
To the sweetest angel, Chloe / Carla Ballentine (friend)Read >>
To the sweetest angel, Chloe / Carla Ballentine (friend)
You are with God and have a wonderful place in heaven. Your memory will live forever in the hearts of the people who love you most. Your life has impacted me so much! I think of you every day. I think of your Mommy, your sister, your grandparents, your uncle and your great grandmother. They miss you so! Earth will never be the same, Chloe, but heaven is a better place for having you.
A Christmas poem for you / Trish T.
I have a little angel I hang upon my tree She reminds me of another that I cannot touch or see. As I place my lovely angel midst the sparkling lights on high My other little angel roams the dazzling, star lit sky.
As I celebrate at Christmas time God's child who came to Earth I think back to that special day- My own beloved child's birth. As long ago, the world was shown A wonderous star above, within my heart there shines a light of pure undying love.
Perhaps for one, she'll put aside her thoughts of heavenly things, remembering this time on Earth she'll soar on shimmering wings. Join little ones with shining eyes and thoughts of Christmas glee, The holy day, she'll spend with us- her earthly family.
Perhaps we have a feeling that our little one is near As she soothes the sad place in our hearts and dries our secret tears. Then she'll take flight on outstetched wings for heaven up above while we receive the greatest gift of God's eternal love.
Alice Check Beaverton
I wanted to share this poem though Christmas passed. Close
Merry Christmas, my Chloe Monster / Courtney (Mommy)Read >>
Merry Christmas, my Chloe Monster / Courtney (Mommy)
My beautiful Chloe,
You should be opening presents with your sister right now, smiling and laughing and having a good time. I'm so upset that you're not with us for Christmas, but I know that you are watching over us and having a good Christmas where you are.
I miss you so much. I don't know that I'll ever "get used to" the fact that you're gone forever. There's a hole in my heart that only you can fill, and it feels especially empty today.
To a Dear Baby Girl / Lori Chalker (Family Friend )Read >>
To a Dear Baby Girl / Lori Chalker (Family Friend )
I regret that I missed the opportunity to have met you but am thankful to have known your mother for as long as I have. I know how dear you are to your parents and your sister. Im very sorry that people come here and dishonor your memory with hateful, hurtful comments directed at your parents. Surely, such a person could never have loved you or cherished you to defile your honor in such a way.
In Romans 12:19-21, Paul writes, "19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave room for the wrath of God; for it is written, "Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord." 20 No, "if your enemies are hungry, feed them; if they are thirsty, give them something to drink; for by doing this you will heap burning coals on their heads." 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." (NRSV)
Courtney and Frank, my heart goes out to you as it does to your entire family that feels the loss of Sweet Chloe. Please stay strong and keep your heads high. The truth always come to light and justice prevails. Paul also writes, "14 Ask God to bless those who persecute you - yes, ask him to bless, not to curse… 21 Do not let evil defeat you; instead, conquer evil with good.(Rom 12:14,21).
Missing you bad, my Chloe / Courtney Fontana (Mommy)Read >>
Missing you bad, my Chloe / Courtney Fontana (Mommy)
My beautiful baby....
I'm missing you badly tonight. I don't know why, I just am. My world has been flipped upside down in the past few weeks, and more than anything, I wish you were still with us, I wish we were still a family, I wish we could all be together and be happy, the way we were for the seven weeks that we were lucky enough to have with you.
Because of what's happened in the past two weeks, because I don't get to see Taylor every day anymore, I think that's why it's hitting me so hard now. I used to have the privilege of being the mommy EVERY DAY, to two beautiful girls, who I love SO much, who loved each other so much. Now you are in Heaven, Taylor isn't at home with me, and I'm left to sit around and feel sorry for myself, and realize exactly how much I've lost. I guess it's a long time coming, and it was time for me to start feeling this pain, but I wasn't ready for it to slam into me the way that it has.
There was a night, a few weeks ago, that we were returning Taylor to her foster home, and I was sitting out in the car thinking about you. I looked up in the sky, and a huge, dense cloud was covering the moon. It reminded me of the day that you went to Heaven, when the sun dipped below the clouds...and it reminded me of the day of your funeral, when the clouds parted just enough for the sun to peek through.
I sat there in the car, wishing, hoping, and praying - trying to send messages to you, to God, to anyone that would listen. I needed to see the moon. I needed the clouds to move and to know that you were up there and you were still smiling down on your family.
For whatever reason, it took your Grandpa longer than usual to drop Taylor off, and during that time, I watched the clouds part, and the moon peek through, shining brightly. It stayed like that for awhile, and then the big cloud marched directly across the moon, where they remained for the night.
I can't thank you enough for that, Chloe. I can't tell you how much little things like that lift me up when I'm feeling so down. It feels like I have so few people to lean on, and I really don't WANT to lean on anyone, I just want my girls back. It's so easy for the "rest of the world" to just poohpooh the whole situation, and expect me to not care that my baby died. They all expect me to be over it by now. I guess people just don't understand, and they don't know how lucky they are that they don't understand. People don't know how lucky they are to have their kids "annoying" them all day. I would give everything to have my girls annoying me every second of the day.
The fact is, you guys never annoyed me. I have been so blessed to have two relatively low-maintenance kids, and I know that. I watch other people ignore their kids, call them annoying, say and do horrible things to them, and I want to scream at them and shake them and make them realize how lucky they are. I want them to realize that any second, someone could take their kids away, and they'd have to fight tooth and nail, suffer through being demeaned and stepped on, to get them back, or worse, have them go to Heaven, where it doesn't matter how much I fight, I won't get to see you until I die. But they don't realize that, and they probably never will. I should stop getting upset about it, but that's next to impossible.
I want someone to knock on my door and tell me that it was all a mistake, and hand you back to me. I know that's not going to happen, but I can't tell you how much I wish it would.
I want you to know that not one day goes by that I don't think of you. I look at your pictures every day, and remember your beautiful face and your beautiful smile, and how you felt in my arms, and how you wanted to play in the middle of the night. You will ALWAYS be my baby, Chloe, and you will ALWAYS be loved. In a way, I'm glad you don't have to suffer through living in this earthly world, and you are in a place where you don't have to go through pain like this, you don't have to put up with people who are insensitive and don't know how good they have it. But selfishly, I want you here with me more than anything.
I love you, my beautiful Chloe Monster. I love you so, so much.
I love you, and miss you SO much. I'd give anything to trade places with you, you know that. I know I will see you again one day, and I know that then you will tell me what really happened. I can't wrap my head around anything right now, I really can't. I know how much I love you and miss you though, and I hope you know that too.
I am so blessed to have been your Mommy. You were a blessing from God, and you still are.
Inconclusive..../ Courtney Fontana (Mommy)
My Chloe Monster...
The Medical Examiner finally decided to rule your cause of death as "undetermined", and said that her findings were inconclusive. You know as well as we do that mommy and daddy did nothing to hurt you, and would NEVER do anything to hurt you, and finally everyone else does too.
We know it isn't going to bring you back, but we're going to get to the bottom of this, and find out exactly what went wrong. We're going to find out why you died. We're going to fight for Taylor, because we know you would want us to. We're thinking that maybe the reason you were given to us for such a short time was because mommy has a big mouth, and will be able to fight so that other kids aren't taken away from their parents for no reason.
Your big sister turned 2 this week. We know that she misses you, but we also know that you are with her every day. She looked at a picture of you recently, and I asked her who that was, and she said, "Co-ee". We think she doesn't want to confuse you with Gogo (her foster sister), and that is okay with us. She is still with her foster family, and they love her, and we get to see her every day, but it's not the same. It looks like she will be able to come home soon - finally!
We love you SO much Chloe Monster. We miss seeing your smile and watching you kick and just hanging out with you at one in the morning because you didn't feel like sleeping. We hope you are having a good time in Heaven. Say hi to Pappy for us!
One Month Ago Today... / Courtney Fontana (Mommy)Read >>
One Month Ago Today... / Courtney Fontana (Mommy)
One month ago today, I left for a root canal that I certainly wasn't looking forward to, but one I had put off for a long time. I didn't know that that would be the last time I would see you alive, and if I had, I never would have gone. I would have held you and cuddled with you and told you how much I loved you over and over and over. I think you know how much we love you, and that will never ever change.
It feels like it's been a long longer than a month, but then again, it feels like it just happened yesterday. We still don't have Taylor back, and I think because of that, we're still in shock over the whole thing. It's so quiet in the house now. Some days, I think I hear you crying. Some days, I think I hear you saying, "Ah", like you used to. Some days, I expect someone to knock on our door and say, "Surprise, she's really right here, alive and happy and here, you can have her back." I know in my heart that will never happen, but I still think that from time to time.
Last night, in my dream, we went back to the funeral home, and asked them to open your casket one more time so that we could see you. Since the rest of my dream had nothing to do with you, I think you were just popping in to say hi.
Some days, I take hour by hour...some days, I take minute by minute. Every day when I've woken up, I've immediately thought of you. And you are the last thing I think about before I eventually fall asleep. I miss you being next to me in bed when I woke up and when I went to sleep. You were the best cuddler, and it was so fun to watch you in the morning, looking around at everything with such big eyes - taking it all in.
Thank you for sending the little signs to let us know that you are thinking about us too. Every time I see the pictures of the sun - in three different locations - but with the signs that you sent with those pictures - I can smile, knowing that you are happy where you are. Between those, and the rainbows, and the wind, and the little "hugs" you give me, I am trying to be at peace with everything, and they are taking me a couple of steps closer...baby steps, but steps nonetheless. I can't wait to see you again one day! The signs are a great way for us to "see" you, and we love them, but we love you even more than those signs.
I miss you, Chloe Monter. I miss you so much.
We'll send up some balloons for you today, and Taylor will be able to send her own this time! I hope you like them! I know she misses you too.
Your Daddy misses you more than anyone, I think. It's hard for me to say that, because I miss you SO MUCH, but I still think he misses you just a smidgen more. (Shh, don't tell him I said that!) He finally got to take care of a little baby, and you looked so much like him...he loves you so much, and loved just holding you and taking care of you. All of this has taken a toll on him, and he's gotten sick because of it. I know he's talking to you in his own way, and I know you love him just as much as he loves you. Send him some extra love today, would you?
I hope you are having fun and are happy where you are. I wish it was with us, but I know it's a much happier place than down here on Earth. I know you're with us today, just like you are with us every day.
~*~/ Melissa (mdc)
Merry Christmas, sweet Chloe. Close
For Chloe, Courtney, Frank and Taylor. / Joe Malfatone (Grandpa Joe )Read >>
For Chloe, Courtney, Frank and Taylor. / Joe Malfatone (Grandpa Joe )
Blessed Father: We ask You in Your infinite mercy to hold our beloved baby grand daughter Chloe close to You, and to keep our beloved children Courtney, Frank, and Tayor in Your care as they are all suffering through this very difficult time of loss and pain.
Please help our children to find comfort and consolation in one another. Help strengthen them as they suffer through this extremely difficult time of loss. Help us as they seek us for the comfort, consolation, encouragement, and strength they need to move on together.
May they always know that each of them are extremely special and dear within our hearts forever. Please Bless and keep each of them always within Your care.
We ask this in the name of Jesus, Your Son and our Lord and Savior. Amen. Close
A forever friend of Rosemarie / Lynn Predmore (Rosemarie's best friend )Read >>
A forever friend of Rosemarie / Lynn Predmore (Rosemarie's best friend )
My deepest sympathy to Rosemarie and her family. My heart goes out to you all.
in deepest sympathy / Fernwood Night Audit Team (Rosemarie's co-workers )Read >>
in deepest sympathy / Fernwood Night Audit Team (Rosemarie's co-workers )
Frank, Courtney, Taylor, Rosemarie and Family,
With deepest sympathy from Rosemarie's co-workers at Fernwood Resort. Please know that you are all in our thoughts and prayers at this difficult time. There is a special angel in heaven watching over us all!
Sweet, beautiful Angel / Leslie Clarke (friend of family )Read >>
Sweet, beautiful Angel / Leslie Clarke (friend of family )
I am so sorry that you had to leave so soon, lil Chloe Monster!!! I pray that God puts his arms around your mommy and daddy soooo tight and they know you are somewhere sooo beautiful right now. I cannot imagine the pain they must feel....hold their hands when they don't expect it and kiss their lips at night when they are sleeping. Whisper to them that you love them and one day they WILL see your sweet face again. A short time on Earth, but an eternity in heaven. Good-bye sweet daughter, sister, granddaughter and loved one.